Gather round, children, and let me tell you about the time a gigantic inflatable pineapple ruined my honeymoon. OK fine, it didn't ruin it, but it was the catalyst for my very first married fight — a milestone one never forgets.
The story goes like this: my soon-to-be husband and I packed frantically, ecstatically for our 10-day Greek honeymoon. We brought hats and shorts and sunscreen and books and all the things you'd expect one would need for a good chunk of time across an ocean ... and also a 19-pound, neon yellow, extremely dumb pool balloon. This was at the insistence of the love of my life, my best friend, my soul mate, who at the airport, told me it was fiiiine our luggage was overweight because it would be so fun! And the pictures! Think of the pictures!
Fast forward five days and here is my love, my heart, my beyond ridiculous husband standing at the lip of our private, Naxian pool, literally out of breath from trying to inflate this blow-up idiocy:
Here he — my one and only! My entire heart! — is again after a 10-minute break because he was really, really out of breath:
Here is how that wildly expensive, extremely heavy piece of vinyl spent the rest of our time in Naxos:
I was thrilled. :) :) :)
Sure, we could all reflect on this story as an educational one: the beginning of a marriage is a crucial time to learn about compromise and communication, my husband — my baby! My forever and always! — is an absurd human being, I am just mean and petty, etc. Or we could collectively agree, once and for all, that this gigantic food/unicorn/whatever-themed pool float thing is ridiculous!
Before you go ahead and @ me, I will allow that another reason I probably allowed this to happen in the first place was because deep down, I knew the float would be great for the 'gram. I, like many of you, have taken the exact picture you've taken before abandoning the dumb thing altogether and just getting in the pool to noodle-bop around instead. I have! But I've changed! I've grown! I've learned!
I'm here to tell you these monstrous buoyant devices are not worth it. They . They ! They are . When they're not, they . They are . They !!! None of these are desirable qualities for something you bring into your life for the sole purpose of taking a picture!
But, OK. Let's say you don't care. You want a picture in a cute bathing suit with a very large lemon slice — you need it. Please know that you will sit on it once and spend 42947627833x more time than you did purchasing the float and setting up the perfect shot than you will on rolling that squeaky, damp sucker back up to preserve it for next year ... when you will never photograph it again because you did that already and you can't double up in your feed! You just can't! You know that! I know you know that!
All that said, far be it from me to tell you how to live your life and spend your money. If you want to immerse yourself in that #FoodFloatLyfe and live happily ever after with the empty satisfaction that is Insta likes, that's your prerogative! If you want to tell me I'm a mean, wet blanket, that's great too!
... just tell it to my face from on top of your pool float, because goodness knows you need another reason to use that thing.
P.S. — Happy one year anni, babe! I love you/we're doing so great!
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